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Stokers Local · Adopted by nobody · In force anyway
We, the members, being hot, and being there on purpose, set down these Bylaws for the orderly conduct of the hot room. They're a joke. They're also what you should do.
Article 0
That is the whole of the law. Everything below is commentary, and it runs long because we had the time.
The line comes from a real scroll of 28 "laws of man" that Alex helped leave with younger scholars, and from a hat. The scroll stays with the scholars. The hat is still in use.
Article I
Section 1. Sit on a towel. All of you, on the towel. The bench is a shared workplace.
Section 2. The top bench is hotter. It isn't higher in any other sense.
Section 3. Slide down. There's always room, and the person coming in can see that there's room.
Article II
Section 1. In or out. Open it, go through, close it. The stove has been working all day and you're letting its work out.
Section 2. The doorway isn't a place to finish your thought.
Article III
Section 1. Whoever is tending the stove has the floor. Stoking is a real skill, and they've earned your silence on how they do it.
Section 2. The thermostat belongs to management. If it was set by someone who has never sat in there, see Article XI.
Article IV
Section 1. Ask the room before you ladle. "Water okay?" is the entire procedure.
Section 2. One ladle, then wait. You're adding steam, not putting out a fire.
Section 3. If anyone says no, the answer is no. The ladle is shared property, not a personality.
Article V
Section 1. Leave your phone in your locker. Nothing on that screen was urgent, and now it's also hot.
Section 2. No pictures. Nobody in here is at their best, and that includes you.
Article VI
Section 1. Read the room. Low voices, or none.
Section 2. If you are about to explain sauna to a person in a sauna, don't.
Section 3. Say hello to the new person. Then let them sit.
Article VII
Section 1. Follow your sauna's rules. If it says clothes, wear clothes. If it says no clothes, the Standard Issue stays in your bag, with our blessing.
Section 2. Clean clothes only. The gym kit stays in your locker. It has done enough.
Section 3. Rinse off first. This one is for the rest of us.
Article VIII
Section 1. Leave when you want. Nobody gets a medal, and the Local will not be issuing one.
Section 2. The Local keeps no records of time in the room, runs no league and has no opinion on your personal best, because there isn't one.
Section 3. Dizzy, sick or numb is not a grievance. It's a reason to leave now and tell someone. Heat isn't for everyone, and that's fine.
Article IX
Section 1. The pack sits behind fabric. Never put a frozen pack directly on bare skin. If you go numb, take it out.
Section 2. You don't have to use a pack at all. The pocket doesn't mind.
Article X
Section 1. A member in good standing shows up, makes room, wipes down, tends the fire when asked and doesn't make it weird.
Section 2. Standing is earned by attendance and hospitality. Never by time in the room.
Article XI
Section 1. Any member may file a grievance at any time. It goes nowhere. That's the process.
Article XII
Section 1. Dues: $68. No meetings. There's a bench.
Section 2. Membership is free. Dues refers to the shorts, and the shorts are optional. The bench is the point.